Health, Intentionality- Life

Move on, they said.

Move on?
Move on?!!

What do you mean, move on?!
I just lost a part of me that is never coming back. I carried it for 9 months and all that should be summarized in your mediocre statement- "move on?". Well, no! I don't want to move on, I want to dwell in it and I want to be swallowed up by the emotions that wreck my entire being.

I don't want to bath, I don't want to eat, I don't want any of that. I just want to fade away.

What do you mean by "You'll give birth to more?"
What does that even mean?!

No! No! No! I will always have this hollow, I would never be able to replace this precious angel that just left me. I had already named her, I prepared a room full of possibilities for her. How do they expect me to take all that down? How can I stand going home without a bump and without a baby?

The baby shower gifts? The now meaningless congratulations and hugs?

It's too much to think over, too much to voice out and so, I stare at my mother in law, my siblings and my husband and I see that they would never understand, so I just look blankly.

They can't understand why after 2 months I've refused to leave the hospital for home and I've refused to speak. How do I explain to them- to him, that I felt like my body had  betrayed me and I don't feel like I can be in this body anymore. Pre-eclampsia, that's what the doctor called it... I personally believed it was my body acting up when it had no right to.

They're worried that I haven't "moved on" yet and how long it'll be before I can give them grand children.  I'm not angry at them, I don't feel disdain or any negative emotion towards them, because apparently,  it's the way it is done in Nigeria. When you have a miscarriage or a stillborn, you simply move on and try again!! Like it's some sort of lottery so, you lose some and you win some.

Maybe when I'm not too tired I'll explain to them that you don't just "move on". That you need to work on those emotions. That beyond your body healing, your mind needs to heal. That time doesn't heal all wounds as they say but, intentionality and therapy makes the days a little brighter. Prayers help, but while God does his work, man must do theirs- Faith & Work. Right now, I feel sleepy, I'll just let the lethargic feeling take charge and hope that tomorrow brings with it, reasons to smile...